Thursday, July 06, 2006

The first letter

Citibank New Cardmember Services
P.O. Box 6168
Sioux Falls, SD 5717-9720

July 5, 2006

To Whom it May Concern:

On July fifth, 2006, I received a letter from Citibank. The envelope said simply: “You’ve earned it. [See details inside.]”. Without opening the envelope I knew that what I had earned was the Citi Diamond Preferred Card or one of its brethren because I had received just such an envelope twice weekly for the last several months. I'm beginning to doubt Citibank's patriotism as it seems determined to terrorize the good citizens of this country, even on the anniversary of our independence.

Let me be brief:

Citibank’s advertisement bombardment has not and will not work on me. I am sure that Citibank’s database shows that I have opened up a few credit cards in the last year, but please be aware that I have no intention and no need to open another. I don’t care that I am being offered 0% APR for a generous period of time and a low balance transfer cost. Advertisement is meant to make those who need a service aware that it exists. I HAVE NO NEED FOR CITIBANK’S SERVICES. Repeatedly telling me about them will not change that reality.

I understand that you who are reading this letter work in the New Cardholder Services department, which may or may not be responsible for sending me these highly irritating advertisements that I simply throw away because Chicago does not have a recycling program, and Citibank is thereby POLLUTING THE EARTH with junk mail. I digress. Whoever you are, please, please save me, save the Earth and contact whoever has my name on a list and tell them to stop sending me these advertisements and applications.

If you need any more reason to help me, know that by stopping these mailing, you will actually make me more apt to utilize Citibank’s services in the future if I should find a need for them. In the meantime, rest assured that I am well aware of what those services are and how they work and that no, I am not interested in learning about any new programs that should be developed after Citibank kindly stops sending me their advertisements.

For even further motivation, be aware that for each Citibank letter I receive in the future, I will send another to you, each meaner and angrier than the last, perhaps culminating in some kind of class action lawsuit supported by indebted people and environmentalists from around the globe. I don’t have much time on my hands, but I am vengeful.

Whoever you are, if you succeed in ending the onslaught of colorful glossy paper, my husband and child, who have to bear my looks and sounds of despair every time I go through the mail, will be forever grateful.

With kindest regards,

Angela Ruiter Seeley


Saving English said...

Although you are my daughter only by marriage, you have clearly inherited the gene I carry which induces A CONGENITAL HATE OF BANKS bordering on PARANOIA. Keep up the good work.

Dow Jones said...

Never stop figting the good fight against junk mail.
Isn't it funny that for some reason big companies think they're too good to send spam email, which is much easier for the consumer to deal with, and instead send junk mail? Think Citibank, think!

Anonymous said...

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